


Bittersweet

by thisseemslikefun



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, You Have Been Warned, a bit of self-loathing, mentions of Daniel/? but i'm not gonna spoil, mentions of Jihoon and Jaehwan, more Seongwoo focused, this is not gonna be happy guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 09:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11483736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisseemslikefun/pseuds/thisseemslikefun
Summary: Before he realized what was happening he had bent over coughing, plenty of daffodil petals laying in front of him on the ground. Seongwoo hid his head under his arms and shook his head continuously. He knew what those petals meant. His unrequited love made him sick. So sick, he could die. Hanahaki disease AU





	Bittersweet

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to around 3k words of angst :D Crossposted on AFF.  
> Enjoy!
> 
> Edit: This is not a definite and happy "Daniel will fall into Seongwoo's arms" oneshot. This is mainly focused on Seongwoo and how he deals with the disease. Thank you for still giving this a chance if you decide to read on. For you disappointed Ongniel fans, I hope to see you on one of my other fics.

When he signed up for Produce 101 Season 2, he didn't expect to come this far. Even if he pretended to be confident and so sure of himself, the self-doubt that planted itself in his head for years never died, no matter how loud and how often the compliments came.   
He never expected to be able to call himself a part of Wanna-One. To proudly call himself #5.   
And he never expected to fall in love. 

  
A bitter smile crossed his face.   
_Love_.  
Something that can encourage you to do the most amazing things, to push you further, to never stop fighting. Nothing is more powerful than love.  
But also nothing can break someone as effectively as well. Those positive, endearingly warm feelings only last as long as your heart doesn't get broken. Unfortunately, that's what happened to Ong Seongwoo. 

 

~

  
He wasn't sure when he started liking Kang Daniel. It could have been the first time he saw him with among the other MMO trainees, standing out so much with his peach pink hair.  
It could also have been the first time they actually talked to each other after Daniel joined A.  
Or maybe it was the time they sat next to each other in the training room, laughing together at Jaehwan. His bright and contagious laugh always made him weak, made his stomach flip, made him forget about his surroundings. He was beautiful, absolutely breathtaking.

He loved it when the national producers paired them up to the legendary Ongniel couple. He had excuses for his lingering looks and touches. _For the fans_ , he prepared for when someone would ask but that never happened. No one questioned his affection for the younger. Everyone simply thought he was naturally touchy which he really was but no one seemed to notice how he was especially tender and sweet when it came to Daniel. And no one needed to know as well.

Daniel was affectionate by nature. He didn't mind hugging strangers, he seeked out skinship with his friends and loved getting pampered since he was the youngest in MMO. So when Daniel started being extra touchy with Park Jihoon, Seongwoo noticed immediately. It was also obvious that the good-looking boy liked the attention and fondness he received from the winner. Seongwoo had to admit, they looked cute together. Perfect even. Like two pieces of a puzzle, made to belong together.  
Both had those cute charms that easily changed on stage. Fangirls loved seeing their #1 and #2 being close together. What better and stronger pair could there be? Even their management tried to push 'Winkniel' and the media loved them either way.  
No one saw how both of them actually got even closer over time. How their eyes would meet even across the room and never leave each other. How they seemed to seperate themselves from the group to giggle to just themselves like they were hiding a secret that was only meant for the both of them.   
Anyone except for Seongwoo of course. Because his eyes were always fixed on Daniel, he saw it all. He tried shielding his heart from the pain. From the expectation of the inevitable. From what was so painfully obvious to him. Even after their interactions became more obvious to everyone else around them, Seongwoo desperately tried to keep the pain away, distract himself by overworking himself to exhaustion just to forget. 

Nontheless, he felt a sharp pain in his heart when he once saw them exchanging sweet kisses when they thought no one was looking. He swiftly looked away, having felt his eyes burn and water against his will. He quickly dashed off and ran as fast as he could, before hiding behind a wall a few streets away from their training rooms. 

He relentlessly told himself to hold back any tears, that he should have expected it. It was obvious that Daniel and Jihoon liked each other. They were always seen together, always tiptoeing and dancing around the other. He knew it, he really did. He expected it. He observed them with his own eyes. He knew he stood no chance. But why couldn't he just tell his brain to finally, _finally_ shut up. Why couldn't he hold back the tears escaping his eyes? Why didn't his heart stop this pain for someone that was never meant for him? Why did he have to fall in love with someone whose heart was already full of another person? 

He punched himself hard against his chest, right above his heart, hoping it will lessen the pain in any way.

"Stop it, stop it. Just stop it! You expected this. You knew it. Everyone did. It was obvious. They are meant for each other. They are perfect together. What did you expect, hm? What are you doing? Stop thinking about them. It's useless. _You are useless_ ," he whispered to himself, eyes shut tight while he smacked his head with both fists a few times.  
He then pressed his fist against his chest, still hoping for some kind of relief from the pain. Instead, Seongwoo felt something itching in his throat. 

Before he realized what was happening he had bent over, coughing endlessly, plenty of daffodil petals laying in front of him on the ground. Their bright yellow colour seemingly mocking him.

Seongwoo looked at the petals in front of him in shock. He hesitatingly grabbed a handful of them. He has heard of this phenomenon before and he felt like the universe was laughing at him. As if getting your heart broken wasn't already enough, he was now getting punished for it as well.

He laughed bitterly, tear stains starting to dry on his face. He sat down and leaned against the wall. Slowly, he let the petals fall out of his hand. How ironic that something so beautiful could mean something so tragic. Seongwoo knew what was happening - going to happen - to him and he couldn't help laughing at his fate.   
Leaning his head back against the wall and looking up to the sky, he wondered what he did in his past life to deserve the Hanahaki disease. 

An illness that used to be barely known among normal people. Officials liked to keep away all information about people who would suddenly cough out petals. However, the people weren't dumb.  
They eventually realized something was happening across the country. Soon, it was obvious that the disease wasn't spread like any normal one by contact with an infected person. Moreover, it mainly occured between younger people. Eventually, flower experts found out the patients all coughed out the same petals of the yellow daffodil. The flower of unrequited love. 

Not long after the first wave of panic, everyone was freaking out again because all cases, in which the love would stay unrequited, lead to death. Doctors, experts and officials were all confused and clueless why, until one doctor suggested cutting out the flower that developed in the person's stomach, not knowing what might happen.  
The first person to undergo surgency was able to heal completely again. People all over the world were glad and sighed in relief. As if nothing has changed at all. But one thing was different. He had lost all the affection and love for the woman he once loved, leaving him feeling empty and emotionless towards his former love. 

  
Seongwoo hid his head under his arms and shook his head continuously. He knew what those petals meant. His unrequited love made him sick. So sick, he could die. He could always receive surgery but the sheer thought of losing any of those feelings for Daniel frightened him. Even when he was in pain now and felt like he was suffocating, his love for the other was what pushed him to work even harder for Wanna-One. He only had to look at the younger to find more energy and strength to keep dancing and singing, despite his body telling him to stop. Whenever he felt anxious and unsure, he knew Daniel's smile could erase all of his worries, his words soothing his soul. He couldn't just let these emotions go. They have become a part of him now.   
He heard of the people feeling empty after getting their flower removed. A void in their hearts. He could never do that. He could never remove Daniel from his heart. 

He quickly wiped away the new batch of tears that found their way down his cheeks and breathed in and out a few times before heading back to the dorm. He coughed another time, leaving yellow petals on his way behind him.

 

~

 

Day by day, he felt how his energy was leaving him. Waking up in the morning was even harder than before. Working the whole day nearly killed him, draining him even further. He drastically lost a lot of weight, not able to stomach food well and not being able to sleep a wink. 

Everyone around him noticed.  
They pushed him to eat, even tried to lure him with his favourite food. He would always smile gratefully, appreciating his friends' effort endlessly. He would eat a few bites before claiming to be full and feeding the rest to the maknaes with a smile, telling them to eat and grow more. 

At first, his coughs were limited to the night, when everyone was deep asleep after another day of hard work. He would quietly run to the bathroom and close the door before coughing up dozens of petals.   
Soon, he started coughing at day time as well, saying he caught a cold. It was autumn after all, it was normal. No one noticed the petals he hid tightly in his fist.

Not long after, he would run to the toilet multiple times a night and cough up more and more flowers, each time it got harder for him to regain his breathing. The more he saw Daniel and Jihoon interact, the heavier and more severe were his fits of coughing.  
He always had to remind himself to control himself, not to let go just yet. He still could hold out a few more days, weeks even. He could do it. For Daniel.

 

~

 

He closed the lid and flushed the toilet with the last remaining energy he had. It had been the worst day so far. Sometimes, it felt like he got better but Seongwoo knew better than that. He knew better than to hope for miracles. It can only get worse.

Today, the flowers have mixed with blood.

"Seongwoo."

For a short moment, Seongwoo was startled and wondered how Jisung was able to enter the bathroom but realized that he forgot to close the door when he hastily ran to the toilet.  
If Seongwoo would have had any strength left, he would have hastily turned around and greeted Jisung in his usual bright self, pretending to be okay.   
However, he hasn't been himself the last weeks. All he was able to do was to close his eyes, waiting for the oldest's words to come. 

"Seongwoo, what is happening? I awake in the middle of the night and hear you coughing and vomiting? Is that the reason why you have been refusing to eat and looked so sick the last few months?"

For a short moment, he actually considered playing along and pretending to be bullimic or anorexic, so Jisung would not know. But when he looked into the older's concerned eyes, he couldn't bring himself to lie. 

He weakly tried to get up from the floor, Jisung helping him immediately and seating him on the closed toilet lid. The older crouched down in front of him.

"I-I want to be honest with you."

Jisung, _sweet, motherly and endlessly patient Jisung_ , only kept looking at him with that worried expression. In moments like these, he realized yet again how indredibly lucky he was to have such good friends on his side. 

"Have you ever heard of the Hanahaki disease?"  
"Of course, it has been a big deal when a lot of cases broke out a few years ago." 

For a short moment, Jisung was confused why Seongwoo would ask him about Hanahaki but quickly realized his intention.

"Wait...Seongwoo. Don't tell me..."

Seongwoo could only lower his gaze, looking down at his fingers. They have become so thin and bony, he winced at himself. 

"When did all of that happen? When did this start?" Jisung asked desperately.   
"A few months ago. At first, I pretended to have a stomach sickness."

For a short while, no one of them said anything. Jisung's eyes gradually started watering when he really grasped what was happening. He frowned so hard at him and eventually had started crying silently for his friend. Seongwoo used all his power to wipe away the tears carefully. 

"Why are you crying, Hyung?"  
"How can I not?" he sobbed, "Why you? How couldn't we have noticed? I am so stupid! Hell, I should have seen how you lost too much weight and refused to eat and when you said you were unwell all the time, I thought you were simply nervous. I never considered something was so deeply wrong with you. _I'm so so stupid!_ God, I-I have failed. I have failed you." 

His tears were streaming endlessly now, his sobs echoed in the small bathroom. Seongwoo hoped the other members didn't wake up to all the noise from the bathroom, especially with the open door.

Seongwoo shook his head and shushed Jisung. His last intention was to make Jisung feel guilty when nothing was his fault. 

"You are not stupid. I am just a good actor," he tried to lighten up the mood a bit. Jisung only continued to cry and wrapped his arms around Seongwoo. He closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth and familiarity of the hug that tried to assure him they could pull through this together. He held him like a delicate doll that could break any time.

"You have not failed me, Hyung."  
"Of course! I-I am the oldest, I'm supposed to take care of everyone. I was supposed to be there for you. Someone you can confide in," Jisung pressed his face into his shoulder, voice muffled, "How could I just be so damn blind? You must have suffered all alone. Keeping everything in without telling anyone. Why did you do this, hu? Why are you doing this to yourself?"

Jisung pulled back and looked at Seongwoo for answers. Answers, he couldn't really give.

"Hey, I'm talking to you, Ong Seongwoo!" the older sniffed before breaking into tears again.  
"I don't want to get anyone else involved in this. It's not like I can be helped."  
"You are stupid. Why don't you get yourself treated? Get the flower removed!" he exclaimed and pushed the younger's shoulder's lightly without any force.

Seongwoo slightly shook his head. 

"I can't."  
"Why not? What can possibly be more important than your life?"

Watching his hyung cry his heart out for him made him loathe himself. He wanted to keep it all to himself, so no one was gonna be hurt but ended up hurting other's nonetheless.

"He is worth it."

Jisung violently shook his head. Disbelieving of the younger's soft voice, barely above a whisper.

"Nothing is worth giving up your life like this, Seongwoo."  
  
The younger looked away for a moment. He couldn't stand the sad and desperate expression in the older's face.   
  
"Can I honestly live on when I got any emotion for him removed? Can I keep seeing his face when I know I used to hope for him to love me back all the time?   
Can I pretend that there has never been anything when I felt like dying every second the last months?" he asked quietly, not daring to look at Jisung. "I'd rather die than feel nothing. I'd rather give up everything than to forget what it feels like to love. To forget how to love him."

The older was shaking him while continuing to shake his head.

"No, don't say that. We can work around it. I know you can do it. Let's get you an appointment later and then get this thing removed! You don't need to die. You love dancing and singing, don't give up. This can't be it. This isn't what you worked so hard for."  
"It's useless, Hyung," he said and tapped against his heart, "My heart and mind already made their decision."

Jisung looked at him incredulously. 

"Who is this guy, anyway?"

Seongwoo only smiled sweetly at Jisung, eyes turning sad. The older didn't even need any other word to know immediately. 

"It has always been Daniel for you, hm?"  
His eyes were filled with tears again because he knew it was useless to hope for Daniel to love Seongwoo back. He had been a witness of Daniel's love for Jihoon as well. Seongwoo only smiled sadly. 

"Seongwoo..."  
"I couldn't help falling for him," he rasped out. He felt the familiar burn in his throat again but ignored the feeling as best as possible.  Just like he had done the last months.  
"You need to tell him."  
"No."  
" _Seongwoo_!"  
"I can't, Jisung Hyung. You have seen how happy he is with Jihoon. How much brighter he has become. What good will it do if I confess? Tell him how I wished to be the one he would look so lovingly at? Isn't it enough that I am hurting? Why should I make him feel guilty for something that is out of his range? I was stupid enough to fall in love. It might pierce my heart whenever I see him but it's okay. I can hide it. Endure it. It's enough if I'm the only one in pain," he tried to reassure the other before going on a coughing fit again. Jisung looked at the flowers around him in shock.  
"Oh, my god. It's already so much. We have to get you treated before it's too late!"  
"It's already too late, Hyung."

Jisung couldn't hold back the sobs that shook his whole body yet again, taking Seongwoo's hands in his in a pleading manner.

"Please. I'm begging you. Please. _Please_. Think about it again. We can't lose you. I don't want to lose you."

The older put his hands on the other's cheeks. The younger was sure he had never seen the other cry so much. Pretending to reconsider his choices he looked at the other.

"I'll think about it. But let's get to bed now. We have a tight schedule tomorrow."

Jisung helped Seongwoo to clean up. He also supported him when he tried to stand up and they moved to their respected rooms. In front of Jisung's door, the older turned around and hugged the other again as tight as he could. Seongwoo couldn't hold back any tears anymore and for a short moment, he allowed himself to cry in comfort of his hyung's arms. Jisung let go of him tentatively and gently wiped his tears. 

"I'll see you later," he said, hopeful tone evident.   
"Of course. Good night." The other disappeared and Seongwoo turned around to his door. Before he touched doorhandle, he heard how someone from the nearby room opened their door.

With hesitant steps, Daniel was coming out with bloodshot eyes and tears running down his face, looking at him with such an apologetic and guilty expression like he comitted the biggest crime on earth single-handedly. Seongwoo sighed and lowered his head. He felt a familiar pain shooting up in his heart.   
He never wanted him to find out, at least not in this way.

"Hyung," he choked out. Seongwoo looked at Daniel, the usually so tall and manly member looking like a little lost child in this moment. " _I'm so sorry_ ," he whispered.

This is what he wanted to avoid. He never wanted to make his beautiful Daniel cry for him for he wasn't worth any of his tears. He didn't want him to feel guilty for anything. He simply loved someone. Someone that wasn't and will never be him. Love was indeed bittersweet.  
  
He had brought pain upon the people he deeply cared for. Maybe the flowers could work faster and end this misery sooner. Free them of the mess he made.  
Seongwoo briefly looked at Daniel and smiled, pain evidence in his expression.

"I'm sorry, too."   
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> How are you feeling guys?  
> I deliberately wrote an open ending since I'll leave the end to you.  
> Ah, Ong Seongwoo. What a stupid fool in love, throwing away everything he worked hard for for years for Kang Daniel. He says he doesn't want to hurt anyone further but does he think his death would be pleasant to anyone? Truly a fool.
> 
> Hope it was enjoyable and it was some well written angst that is heart-wrenching, making your eyes water and makes you want to curse at the author or else I have failed haha (but please do tell me I did so I can become better in the future).  
> If you feel like reading lighter stuff, do check out my other stuff!
> 
> Comments, kudos, bookmarks and subscriptions (though I don't know what you would subscribe for) are greatly appreciated but I'm already saying thanks to everyone who read my story ^^
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/thssmslkfn)


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